Bernie Madoff’s problem was that he didn’t quite grasp the concept of customer service. He thought it was all about Bernie and the customer be damned.

He’s not alone.

Stores like OfficeMax and Marshalls with their interminable checkout lines are mini-Madoffs that steal our time. Banks that have started hustling deposit customers for their brokerage operations don’t even know what business they’re in anymore. Government Service is an oxymoron and this matters because when government finishes the country off and runs absolutely everything, Madoff will be remembered as the pinnacle of probity.

We don’t even know what customer service means anymore.

Just to make sure, I looked online for a quick definition. A reference in About.com led to theacagroup.com where I found this:

According to the ACA Group, www.theacagroup.com, customer service is the ability of an organization to constantly and consistently give the customer what they want and need.

What the hell?

The start, “According to the ACA Group, www.theacagroup.com …”, is odd considering I was already at their site. After that, the whole definition could only break down and it did.

· “is the ability to” doesn’t sound right. “gives an organization the ability to” makes more sense.

· “constantly” sounds as if the idea is to hound the customer 24/7.

· “give the customer” is silly. Why not “give customers”, especially since …

· … the singular antecedent, “the customer”, is followed by the plural pronoun, “they”? That makes it appear that the idea is for the organization to give customers what the organization wants to give them.

· And what does need have to do with it? Does ACA recommend analyzing what a customer asks for and deciding whether he really needs it?

Miraculously, the definition sort of works when it is rewritten in English. Customer service: giving customers what they want. Not a bad starting point but it’s still off.

The Golden Rule is a lot closer: “Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You … because then our customers will buy more stuff from us and spread the word about how wonderful we are.”

And we’ll be more likely to hang onto our businesses and less likely to wind up in the Butner, NC, federal slammer with Bernie.