The other day the mailbox yielded the most innocently goofy direct mail package I’ve ever seen.

The Neptune Society wants me to pay for my cremation now, before I’m dead. How’d I get on the list? What does Neptune have to do with this? Maybe they expect me to drown.

The OE is wonderful. On the front: name and address, a stamp and a teaser: Free Pre-Paid Cremation! On the back: return address and clip art of Old Glory waving in the breeze. Free Pre-Paid Cremation is patriotic? Who knew?

Free Pre-Paid is an oxymoron, of course. Someone pays for it, or it’s free. Can’t be both. Besides, the word is Prepaid.

A careful read of the letter reveals no mention of anything free, certainly not a cremation, prepaid or otherwise. Something is free, namely information about the Neptune Society, but they don’t say that. They say NO obligation, which isn’t quite the same thing.

The letter is in italics, the whole letter. It starts off “Dear Michael” and I think if you’re going to talk to me about impending doom in Neptune’s realm, “Dear Mr. Lastname” might be more appropriate.

The letter is dated January 12, 2010 which is kind of cool except that when it goes out 3rd Class (now misleadingly called Standard) it arrives a couple of weeks later.

The letter copy is beyond goofy. What’s beyond goofy? Pluto?

The first sentence should be a grabber. It should rivet your attention. This one is 28 words of numbing irrelevance:

“For a variety of reasons, more and more people are choosing to plan for a memorialized cremation over traditional funeral arrangement – and the numbers are increasing every year!”

It’s 38 characters too long for Twitter for crying out loud. (39 if you count the missing s on arrangement.)

“A lot of people choose cremation over a traditional funeral,” says roughly the same thing and you could fit it twice into a Tweet with 20 characters left over so you might want to add “Who the hell cares?” Older people (Morituri te salutamus) don’t care what other people are doing, otherwise they’d be cooking meth, piercing body parts and wearing their hats sideways.

The letter proffers 4 reasons why “Cremation just makes sense…” Naturally none of them make any sense at all. The silliest is that cremation has less impact on the environment. Really? Sticking a body 6 feet under where it becomes one with the circle of life is worse environmentally than burning the same body, casket and all? This clean, green claim is the whole focus of the Neptune Society’s website, complete with a lady looking out at the ocean and the sound of waves and gulls in the background. It’s more likely to make you think of drowning, not getting cremated.

It goes on and on. The P.S. actually starts with “Sometimes death happens …”

I truly hope this works wonders for the Neptune Society. I’m sorry I can’t be a customer, though. I’ve asked to have my corpse dropped into the Everglades at night. It’ll be gone in a minute and the whole process will be clean, green and actually free. PETA will approve, too, unless I suddenly wake up and find myself wrestling ‘gators.

In every massive creative breakthrough I’ve seen, the hero was a new letter.

Most of them were letters the clients hated. One guy threatened to fire me if I even thought about mailing an oddball letter but it had already gone out and the result was a lift of 1300%. For a B2B service that cost $2,000 a year! With renewals around 75%.

I’d discovered a platinum mine and he’s hated my guts for it ever since. (The letter didn’t meet corporate guidelines, meaning it wasn’t stilted, self-serving and snooze inducing.)

The 1300% letter started: “If you can send me a quick email with this code – XXXX – I’ll send you back …”

You can get nice lifts with offer changes, new premiums, new pricing, new terms, different timing.

And you can get nice but not massive lifts with creative tricks like printing the sender’s name in typewriter type or handwriting above the return address, a new format or, and I love this: putting the upsell first on the order form – it’ll get you slightly fewer responses but a lot more money.

But nothing will ever beat a great new letter, email or snail.

You have to test and 5 out of 6 will either fall short or just match your control. But when you strike gold, you’ll get your test costs back over and over again.

The first three or four paragraphs are crucial, especially the first paragraph. After that, if you’ve got their attention and sympathy and you sound like a real human being, they’ll stay with you as long as you stay on topic (them), keep adding benefits and urge response now.

You have to be talking about your readers and you need short but not staccato paragraphs with lots of air around them.

Devices like underlining, bold, italic, indenting and handwritten notes help, but only used sparingly.

It all has to ring true and it should be seamless from beginning to end. It helps if you avoid adverbs, reduce adjectives to a minimum, use short declarative sentences in the active voice, understand paragraph-to-paragraph linking and, when faced with a choice, pick the Anglo-Saxon rather than the Latin word. (e.g. job or work instead of employment.) You should get it right in twenty drafts.

Here’s one of my favorite first lines from a letter I wrote for a tourism organization a few years ago:

Dear Mr. Jackson,

I hope you don’t like fishing as much as I do, because it’s cost me two wives so far.

Got ‘em.

This came in the mail the other day and I responded immediately. The Salvation Army is one of the few charities I actually trust. Smile Train and the NYC Rescue Mission are two among a few others.

This is a nice and simple old school package. The Army uses its wonderful tagline perfectly. The Soup & Shelter Club incorporates two of the things the Army does with a compelling curiosity element. Club?

Inside is a straightforward letter, simply written and in a large-ish serif font with indents and double spacing between paragraphs (hence eminently readable). The salutation is the classic: Dear Mr. LAST NAME.

Major Fernando Martinez, Area Commander (of, I assume, the Miami area), thanks me for past support and makes a simple argument that the Salvation Army would find it helpful to have a steady stream of revenue for planning purposes. Makes sense. Now what?

Hmmm. I give them my credit card or bank info and they use that to get $10 a month from me. $10 a month is not a problem, yet, but ORP (Obama,Reid,Pelosi) might make it a problem any day now. So I’m aboard but I don’t want anyone, not even the Salvation Army, to access my accounts willy-nilly. I send a check for $120 and ask them to trickle it out over the year.

A couple of nits, one major and one minor. $10 is not a big deal but that low dollar amount is not mentioned until line 5 of page 2. I’d mention it a lot earlier. That’s the major nit. Major Martinez’s signature appears beside a spot color photo of the premium so the signature could have been in blue but it’s in black. That’s the minor nit.

I had no clue what IPOWER was and, after reading the letter in this package, I still don’t. The company appears to have some connection with Google. A signed lift note from a Google exec would have made the connection more clear not to mention making it really clear that Google approves of this mailing.

The letter starts off on the wrong foot with a Dear FIRST NAME salutation, and then goes downhill. It seems to be selling something to do with Google AdWords which we already use.

The letter is a dog’s breakfast. It’s written in the faux chatty style of an unrelenting midway shill and it appears in a tiny sans serif font. It’s difficult to read, well, not really difficult, just enough to be annoying. About halfway down the letter, there’s a subhead that promises three reasons to use Google AdWords. Four reasons then appear. Not one of them mentions the offer.

The whole letter is about using AdWords. Wouldn’t you think it should be about using IPOWER to access, get involved with, test, (whatever) AdWords? The only benefit to dealing with IPOWER is that you’ll get $100 in free advertising and it’s not worth it once you read the small type.

Best of all is that IPOWER seems to find direct mail a more effective tool than AdWords. Otherwise why wouldn’t they try to reach us through AdWords instead of snail mail? A head scratcher.

Winner of Battle of the Creatives? The Salvation Army by a TKO 15 seconds into the First Round.

Good evening. Thanks for tuning in.

This’ll be quick because we don’t have a lot of time. We’re deeply in debt and getting deeper and deeper every minute.

We need government revenue to pay off the debt and we need to stop spending money stupidly.

Saying we handle money like drunken sailors insults drunken sailors.

The quickest and easiest way to pay off the debt would be runaway inflation and we’re on that track now, the Mugabe/Zimbabwe track. We could in a year or two pay off, say, our Chinese creditors, in worthless dollars. We could.

But we’re Americans. We don’t operate like that and besides, I have a better idea, several better ideas.

Here’s the big one. Complete energy self-sufficiency in 10 years.

We’re going to drill our own oil and we’re going to build refineries. That might not have made sense 20 years ago but it does now because we have the technology and knowhow to do it cleanly.

There’s so much oil off the coast of Southern California that it’s leaking out of the seabed. If we drill it now, we’ll be making the ocean cleaner.

We have a lot of oil off Florida and if we don’t drill for it now, the Cubans are going to invite the Chinese to do it. Our oil! And the Chinese don’t care about fouling Florida’s beaches.

North Dakota, Alaska … we’re swimming in oil and yet we spend billions every year to buy it from other countries. That’s not just stupid, it’s criminal.

And natural gas. We have much more than enough.

Tapping our own resources and building refineries will create a million plus jobs directly and indirectly and bring in trillions in government revenue to pay off our debt.

So will 100 new nuclear power generating plants. We start tomorrow. If the French and Japanese can do it, we can. If they can reuse and reuse their rods until they’re harmless enough to store in a shed in a small town, we can, too.
All the new money that comes in will go to paying off our debt.

While we’re doing all this, private enterprises can go full steam ahead developing wind and solar energy projects on their own. If they make sense, great, if they don’t, which they don’t at the moment, it’s no skin off the taxpayers’ noses.

In the meantime, we’re going to cut all taxes, beginning tomorrow, by 25%. People will have more money to spend and the economy will leap ahead like a startled gazelle.

Business will have the money and confidence to grow, to hire more, to invest in America. That’ll mean more money for the people and more money for the government to spend – paying down our debt.

Tomorrow afternoon, we’re closing the Federal Department of Education. The Federal Government, as it demonstrates every day, has no business in education. It costs us a large fortune and has almost destroyed education.

We’re also closing the Department of Commerce. Useless and hugely expensive. And we’re cutting the Department of Agriculture by 90%. No more ag subsidies for anyone. Period. If you want to try to make gasoline out of corn, go ahead, but we’re not subsidizing it.

All those czars I appointed – 30? 40? I lost track – are fired as of this moment. Their bloated staffs, too. What was I thinking?

Congress is going to take a few whacks: no more earmarks of any kind on any bill. None. Zero. Or I won’t sign it and I’ll fight a veto override all the way to The Supreme Court.

All Senators and Congressional Representatives have too many waste-of-time people working for them. They’ll cut their staffs by 10% a year for each of the next five years. And no more Congressional junkets like those embarrassing fandangos in Copenhagen. If Senators and Representatives absolutely have to go somewhere, they can fly commercial, double up in motels and take taxis and buses.

So far in this short plan, we’ve made trillions and cut trillions in spending … a year! And we’re just getting started.
We’ll have the debt paid off by 2013 and then, because we won’t be paying billions in interest to other countries, we’ll be able to cut taxes some more.

Overall federal government revenue will increase geometrically even at lower rates – especially at lower rates – and that additional money will not go into general revenue. It will go where Congress can’t touch it, into Social Security and Medicare lockboxes, until they’re permanently solvent, then we start giving people back more of their money in tax rebates.

Then we start fixing other things that need fixing, guided by experience, common sense and what the people want.

If you want to get in the way, feel free. I’m going to set this all in motion then get government the hell out of the way – hand things off to private enterprise – and then spend every minute of the rest of my term fighting you tooth and nail.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the USA is back. Thank you and good night.

Would someone please revive Ms. Pelosi?

One of Massachusetts’s two Senate seats, the one Edward Moore Kennedy occupied faithfully for the Democrats from 1962 to his passing last year, went to the Republicans in a special election on Tuesday.

The Democrats’ candidate in the election to replace Kennedy was one Martha Coakley, the state’s Attorney General. Her opponent, Republican state Senator, Scott Brown, is now on his way to Washington, cheered by a grateful nation.

Coakley should have been a shoo-in in super leftie Massachusetts where they vote for creatures like John Kerry, still, sadly, the state’s other Senator.

But Coakley lost.

The Dems are scrambling to blame her for running a lousy campaign. True, she accused legendary Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling, a Republican, of being a Yankee fan, and she is personally blander than white bread and Velveeta. But Teddy cheated in college, ran away and left Mary Jo Kopechne to drown, was a raging alcoholic, a major league bullshitter, a bully, and a philanderer, yet Mass voters sent him to Washington every six years anyway.

Coakley should have won because she had all the major media shuckin’ and jivin’ shamelessly for her, especially The Boston Globe, local and national network TV chatterboxes, CNN, MSNBC with its tingle-legged and other vituperative far left “personalities”, and The odious New York Times.

Democrat superstars from the pimp Barney Frank to our walks-on-water President campaigned for her.

Martha Coakley lost anyway. In Massachusetts! She lost because even Massachusetts voters have had it up to here with the anti-Constitutional nonsense going on in Washington.

And two large and annoying groups lost: the progressive (read: regressive) cabal in Washington and the major media.

They have no power, no credibility. They do not understand the American people at all. They have ceded power and influence to talk radio and the Internet and their viewer/readership continues to tumble.

They are the dumbest sons of bitches in the history of American business.

Driving to work every day you see weird names on products that cost thousands of dollars. Venza, Solara, Celica, Tercel, Previa, Yaris. They’re all Toyotas.

Hyundai sells an Elantra and an Azera. Mitsubishi has a Galant, one l. Mazda has a Miata. They’re all just random collections of vowels and consonants.

Not too long ago all car names made at least some kind of sense. Rolls and Royce were real people. So were Mercedes (Daimler’s daughter) and Benz. Henry Ford was a real guy, albeit a sort of Nazi. Louis Chevrolet was a Swiss race car driver who once worked for David Buick, also a real guy – a Scot. Horace and John Dodge were real and so was Walter Chrysler. Cadillac was a Frenchman. Pontiac was an Indian Chief. American Motors was descriptive and slightly patriotic. BMW stands for Bavaria Motor Works (actually Bayerische Motoren Werke) which is fine. Jaguar is a sleek critter and the car used to be.

The sub brands’ names made sense, too, like Chevrolet’s Impala (a fast kind of antelope) and Biscayne (a Bay and a long Boulevard in Miami). Pontiac’s Bonneville was named after the racing salt flats in Utah. American Motors’ Rambler played perfectly on the fairly new idea of a family drive just for the fun of it.

A lot of foreign companies, and a few American ones, use letters and/or numbers for their sub brands, like BMW’s 528i and 633CSi or Mercedes’s 300CD-T. They probably don’t mean much (the bigger the car, the bigger the number) but they sound nifty. Occasionally, Mercedes Benz will come up with something teutonically pompous like Kompressor or Kommander.

One thing the traditional kind of car names have (and most American car names still have) in common is that they’re real words: Thunderbird, Mercury, Charger, Tempo, Lincoln, Studebaker, Dart, Neon, Topaz, Ranger, Suburban, Explorer. Even Fairlane and Galaxie were close enough.

Honda seems to have gone along with the make-sense notion for their cars’ names: Accord, Civic, Odyssey, Passport. Toyota makes a lot of different car brands and nearly all the names make no sense but every now and then they’ll come up with a Tundra or a Land Cruiser. Even Sequoia sounds kind of cool and some people even know that it’s a big tree.

Toyota is probably the most successful car company in the world and its product names are mostly gobbledygook. What does that tell us?

It’s the product. Don’t worry about the damned name, except maybe for Volkswagen’s Touareg which nobody can pronounce.

New York City’s nanny-city government spent $32,000 (that they admit to) on a flyer that includes advice for junkies on how to inject heroin safely.

For starters, you can’t inject heroin safely.
Plus, now the government of New York City, despite its intentions, is more or less telling people it’s okay to shoot heroin.
And, of course, junkies don’t read or listen to advice or remember their own names five seconds after you tell them.
How can New Yorkers can take seriously a government that bans smoking in bars one day, transfats the next and tells junkies how to shoot up the day after that?

The New York Post Article: Heroin For Dummies

Probably not. She just sounds illiterate in her commercials. For example in a spot for Peak antifreeze she says “Nobody demands more from their car than me.”
She could have said “Nobody demands more from a car than I do” but then she wouldn’t have sounded like her target audience: the young trash talking semi-idiot.

Danica Patrick Peak Commercial